Recently I read an article about Hannah Fields, a professional track runner, who went public with her eating disorder. Rather than wait until she had successfully over come her illness, she opted to go public while still in treatment. I was inspired.
So here goes: I am currently seeing a professional counselor to help me deal with fear and anxiety.
I have never considered myself anxious or depressed. My counselor has helped me see that all the years I have spent running have helped me to stay balanced. In fact he told me that running has allowed me to handle much more stress that the average person. I had gotten good at putting up a calm, cool and collected front on the outside. Meanwhile, inside the inner turmoil was a smoldering fire about to turn into raging flames!
In hindsight I should have seen the warning signs. I wish I would have gotten help sooner. In May of 2017, my Daddy’s health and mental state were rapidly declining. He was determined, much to our dismay, to make the 6+ hour drive to see our son graduate from college. (That’s a long dramatic story that I won’t go into now, but it cause me a lot of anxiety!) I was struggling to keep two businesses afloat. My husband’s best friend got a bad report that his brain cancer was back and this time there was nothing that could be done. Finally, our son and his beautiful fiancé were planning a June wedding! (Happy stress!!)
Something had to give! I put this blog and my coaching business on hold. (Sorry guys, not sorry!) And I started training for a fall marathon using the Hanson Marathon Method. Running 50-60 miles per week 6 days a week probably allowed me to handle the enormous stress that comes with watching two people you care about succumb to their illnesses, making tough business decisions, and dealing with graduation and wedding plans.
Oh, I forgot to mention that in 2017 I committed to run all 20 races of the Arkansas Grand Prix Series. That meant I would run races from a one mile distance to a full marathon over the course of the year. Talk about pressure! The marathon took its toll on me. My own demons of self doubt plus heat and humidity created the perfect storm for an asthma attack just before the halfway turnaround. It took me 1.5 hours longer to complete than I anticipated and left me with an angry piriformis! That was race number 18 of 20. There was no way I was not completing the series despite the severity of the pain.
After my final race in December, I planned to take 4-6 weeks off to let my body recover and heal. In January I started to run again a couple of days a week. I joined a gym in hopes that strength training would help my piriformis continue to get better. Then, three days later, my Daddy passed way with me by his side.
Two weeks later my body went in a full out revolt. Lymphocytic colitis and massive diarrhea returned. I struggled to get out of bed in the morning. All I wanted to do was sleep. I dragged myself to work everyday and put on a happy face, but I felt desperate. I was floundering. The stress from work was enormous and I didn’t know how much longer I could shoulder it. Our friend with brain cancer was still hanging on and now we were praying God would let him stay with us long enough to celebrate his 30th wedding anniversary and to witness his son get married in March. I was extremely sad for my husband.
Running was now virtually nonexistent except for two nights a week at the Women Can Run Clinic where I helped coach beginning runners in a run/walk program. I continued making payments for a gym membership I had yet to use.
Finally in May, on my birthday, I decided it was time to seek professional help. I was tired of feeling angry, hurt and afraid. I missed running. I wasn’t sure I could get out of bed to go for a run, but with the encouragement of my counselor I began to run. The first two weeks sucked physically. Having run for 40+ years, I knew that I’d rebound quickly. It was the mental part that I was struggling with. Lot’s of self doubt.
Since then, I have jumped into two races totally unprepared. That’s completely out of character for me. I’ll share the details in a race recap post soon. However, I will share that those two races have really helped me mentally to believe in myself and have the desire to train hard again.
Like Hannah Fields, I’m in the midst of recovery and rediscovering myself. My hope in sharing my story, is to encourage anyone else who might be suffering from fear and anxiety to seek help. You don’t have to suffer in silence. You don’t have to put up a front to the world that you’re okay. Yes, running will help relieve the stress, but you still need to work through your stuff. Please get help. This world need a healthy version of you!
If you are struggling or have struggled in the past with fear, anxiety, depression or overwhelm, please leave me a comment below. I would love to hear from you!
